(Happy New Year) The Anti-Crossword Crossword

Crosswords are way too difficult. Even the so-called ‘easy’ ones. They take far too long – and who’s ever finished one anyway? Who’s got the time?

…And now we’ve reached that unfortunate time of year when we set ourselves all sorts of tricky things to do. Resolutions. Targets. Things to conquer and accomplish. Again, I can’t help but ask, who’s got the time?

Life’s difficult enough. Why make it harder? I say we don’t. I say, fuck it, phone it in for a while… coast along… make do. I mean, really – have you ever met someone who’s overly ambitious? Yawn already. Such people are wretchedly dull. Each and every self-obsessed one of them: preening, precious, puffed-up, and incapable of charm. Just look at the band U2, for the expedient sake of a convenient example: relentlessly ambitious; abjectly awful.

Here, then, I offer a little something that’s quite the opposite of that. A New Year’s gift from me to you – something bracingly unambitious, anti-‘U2,’ and resolutely simple: a crossword puzzle I GUARANTEE you’ll complete. Finish it. Finish it today. And congratulate yourself for getting this thing done – without it being the slightest bit of bother.

You know what? You’ll never feel more alive.


1. Time ____ for no man. Rhymes with weights. (5)

2. Well known fictional and real-life examples include Who, Crippen, Seuss, Spock, Watson, Kevorkian, Livingstone, Roberts, Dre, Ruth, Fox, Jekyll, Doolittle, Zhivago, No, House, Phil, Pepper, Shipman, Moreau, Caligara, Feelgood, Crane, Quinn, and Legg. Also another name for Primary Care Physician (US) and General Practitioner (UK). (6)

3. 8-bit handheld video entertainment device developed and manufactured by Nintendo in the late 80s, and largely responsible for popularizing Tetris. Rhymes with another possible way of describing it: lame toy. (4-3)

5. Not disadvantageous; in fact, the exact opposite of that. (12)

6. First book of the old testament, so named because it relates to the origin of things. Also the name of a massively successful English prog-rock band formed in 1967 whose past members include Phil Collins (lead vocals and drums), Peter Gabriel (vocals and flute), and Mike Rutherford (bass and guitar). (7)

11. Central European country (capital city: Vienna) that Hans Asperger, Christian Andreas Doppler, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Sigmund Freud, Josef Fritzl, Joseph Haydn, Adolf Hitler, Fritz Lang, Niki Lauda, Gustav Mahler, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Karl Popper, Ferdinand Porsche, Wolfgang Puck, Rainer Maria Rilke, Oskar Schindler, Franz Schubert, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Johann Strauss, Jr., Erich von Stroheim, Nikola Tesla, Billy Wilder, and Ludwig Wittgenstein have all called ‘home.’ (7)

14. First name of the person who authored The Diary of Anne Frank. (4)


2. Anagram of god. And, alongside 9 across, the second-half of a sausage-based snack food frequently sold by street vendors and served with onions, ketchup and mustard. (3)

4. Popular Swedish pop band from the 70s, whose members include Benny, Björn and Agnetha, whose hits include WaterlooDancing Queen, and Thank You for the Music, and whose name comprises only the first two letters of the alphabet. (4)

7. Follows November and precedes January; the twelfth and final month of the calendar year. (8)

8. Synonyms (similar words) include: afraid, apprehensive, distressed, edgy, flustered, jittery, jumpy, on edge, restive, ruffled, skittish, spooked, tense, uneasy, worried. Antonyms (opposite words) include: at ease, blithe, breezy, calm, cool, easy-going, insouciant, jaunty, laid back, secure, sunny, unbothered. (7)

9. Not cold. And, alongside 2 across, the first-half of a sausage-based snack food frequently sold by street vendors and served with onions, ketchup and mustard. (3)

10. “Special Weapons And Tactics” abbreviated. (4)

12. Ready, Steady, __. Opposite of stop. (2)

13. Globally popular carbonated soft drink (often referred to simply as Coke). (4-4)

15. Plural form of fish. (4)

16. As expressed in the periodic table: SnSn. Also the name of the eponymous hero in Herge’s Adventures of Tintin. (6)


Please note: the successful completion of this crossword is best accompanied by:

About newjonnytransit

Same as ever, only better.
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2 Responses to (Happy New Year) The Anti-Crossword Crossword

  1. happypickle says:

    Thats a pretty tough crossword. I managed to get the one with pepper as a clue. I was terribly fortunate to have a can of Dr Pepper on my table, and after some time of head scratching, and furrowed brows, I happened to glance at it, and, wow, just wow, what a lucky break! But can is only a 3 letter word, so I put cancan instead.
    Pretty good to see Arsenal back up there, and va va voom is on his way for a month period of winding up RVP. Should be good to watch!
    I am suffering at the moment with a particularly nasty ear infection, f* knows how I caught it (its nicknamed swimmers ear. I haven’t been swimming in years…) and pretty much stuck indoors with the internet and boris the spider for company.
    Happy New Year to you two!
    I shall crack on with the crossword again, now lets see. 9 across, not cold served with mustard and onions. Hmm, warm with onions? warm with mustard? Ah, no, its three letters. Ice with onions…

    • Ha, “cancan” – genuinely didn’t see that coming! Congratulations on completing the crossword so creatively… I hope you will take the trouble to reward yourself with some jelly and ice cream!

      Of course, have heard about your ear situation. That’s a proper kick in the nuts, and no mistake… how quiet do you have to be at the moment? Slippers and thick carpet, quiet? Or just turn the TV down a bit, quiet? Hopefully the latter. And hopefully all will be successfully resolved, sooner rather than later.

      On the footie front, I usually don’t bother with games that don’t involve the mighty Arsenal – but I think I’ll break with convention tomorrow and watch City v. Utd. Will be rooting for the blue half of town, obviously. And, yep, am definitely looking forward to seeing TH back for a while – but, frankly, no where near as much as the return of Wilshere some day. He really should make a big difference. Albeit, probably, too late in the season for our title challenge. Same goes for Sagna… Still, you never know. After all, it’s “a funny old game,” isn’t it?

      P.S. “Ice” with onions is not quite right, I’m afraid… but it is indeed the correct amount of letters.

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