Here’s the thing. You’ve an awful lot of entertainment choices these days, don’t you? A great, heaping mass of stuff to look at, listen to, taste, scratch, stroke, and sniff. And that’s not even counting the limitless thoughts you get to think – you know, for free and because your brain is so sumptuously brilliant and brimful of naughty secrets. Right.
So: how on earth can the newjonnytransit blog possibly keep on clinging to this ever-expanding curve? Without falling off and grazing its short-trouser-wearing legs? And without resorting to anything tawdry, dumb, or desperate. (Well, anything too tawdry, dumb, or desperate, at least…)
Well, my friends, here’s what I’ve gone and done. I went to get some help! And not just any old, just-for-the-sake-of-it, kind of help – but instead from an extra-special guest contributor. No, he didn’t come cheap. But what can I say: you get you pay for, right? And this guy had one hell of an agent. This guy right here –
At last, a space on my little blog for some religious contemplation – and with the big man Himself calling all the shots.
I hope you’re even halfway as excited as I am… and trust you’ll join me in extending to Jesus a big old bear-hug of a welcome. He likes that kind of thing, he really does. Without further ado, here’s-
Ask Jesus: A Very Liturgical Mailbag
Does the ‘Holy Ghost’ part of you ever accidentally scare you? Like when you’re watching a horror film, say, or are sitting alone in the dark. (Michael Aspel, Battersey)
JC: Always! Especially when I’m feeling mischievous and I sneak up on myself when I’m least expecting it. Crazy; you’d think I’d know what’s coming, wouldn’t you?
People often think that proselytizing is rudely presumptuous and annoying -what do you think? (Henry Kelly, Brussels)
JC: I think they’re right.
With email, instant messaging, and recent advances in cellular phone technology, is prayer an outdated form of communication? (Judith Chalmers, Stockport)
JC: To be honest, I tend to think so, yes. But my dad can be quite old-school in this respect – and ultimately it’s his call (no pun intended!).
What do you think of homosexuality? (M. Barrymore, Bermondsey)
JC: I love gay people, I really do… Albeit, I must admit, not so much the really hairy ones.
Did you enjoy your visit to earth? Or did the Romans pretty much spoil the whole thing for you? (Richard Whitely, Bradford)
JC: It’s funny – I’ve toured loads and loads of planets in the universe over the years… and Earth is the only one that ended up crucifying me. Then again, I definitely met a good amount of menschs, too – so I guess it all evens out, you know?
People often portray you as having a pretty ‘ordinary’ sense of humour. Are they right? (Barry Humphries, Melbourne)
JC: I’m glad you ask. Like you say, that’s something I sure do hear a lot. But I reckon I’ve got a pretty good sense of humour, and it’s just that a lot of my fans don’t.
That said, thanks to my inherited omniscience, I do have the unusual problem of always seeing the punchline coming… so there’s not much point ever telling me a joke!
Who do you prefer: Queen or The Smiths? (Sandi Toksvig, Copenhagen)
JC: The Smiths, no question. Same goes for my dad, I think – we’re usually pretty in tune with this sort of thing.
What would you say to a Roman Catholic torn between modern society’s more permissive attitude to sex and the Church’s no sex before marriage/no contraceptives stance? (Bob Holness, Natal)
JC: I’d probably say, ‘Go for it!’ You only live once, you know… And, also, if in doubt always rubber up.
Who do you consider to be your main rivals? (Hazel Irvine, St Andrews)
JC: More and more, I suppose, it would have to be Mohammad these days… But personally I’ve always been a big admirer of Siddharta Guatama and his work. And Ronnie O’Sullivan.
Can even you forgive John Lackey for his 2011 Red Sox ‘performances?’ (Anne Robinson, Crosby)
Do you ever think that the glorification of convenience, vacuous consumption, greed, narcissism, rampant militarism, and the increasing supremacy of the mundane over the sublime, make mankind unworthy benefactors of the universe’s boundless resources, and ungrateful heirs to the miracle of creation? (Bob Monkhouse, Beckenham)