Radio Somewhere

[Music fades out.]

Host Johnny Four Sugars:
The fresh surf sounds of Boogie Woogie Wigwam playing us to within a tick-toc or two of News Beat on the Hour, the only place on your dial for the news that really counts. That was their 1963 breakout hit Wave Goodbye the Salt Water Bayou, and this is your News Finder General, Miss Pattie Bridges:

[Ding dong, ding dong. Ding dong, ding dong.]

Miss Pattie Bridges:
News Beat on the Hour. The headlines you need. First.

[Dong!]

Gas Panic in Plainville. Sheriff’s office says last night’s gas holder leak is still “leaking round the edges.” “It’s the biggest pair of breaches I’ve ever seen,” says local engineer Donny Hammer.

[Dong!]

Flying saucers or a freak swarm of lightning bugs? Cold Water Creek College entomologist Dr. Ruth Bairn has today put forward a new theory that may explain the glut of UFO sightings across the county last night: a mass migration of lightning bugs… sparked by “unprecedented weather fluctuations.”

[Dong!]

Firefighter saves cat, but accidentally kills dog. Satisfaction was short-lived for Kindle Wood firefighter Randy Sticks today when he fatally ran over a beloved family dog… He was driving back to the fire station after successfully rescuing an imperiled cat, stuck at the top of a tree. “I feel great about the cat,” said Sticks afterwards, “but unfortunately I just didn’t see the dog.”

[Dong!]

That’s got the news beat. Now a weather check with Bernadette, the sound of summer all year long:

Bernadette:
It’s hot and it’s staying that way, too. No chance of rain and a hundred in the shade. Stay cool, folks, it’s no day for digging ditches.

[Static between stations… New station:]

Host Dr. Sax:
…top of the hour, and next up the freaky free-form funk of Honeycomb & The Bee Boys. Keep it here, where the signal is loud and clear – in the middle of your dial, the only place for a certain kind of style-

[Static between stations… New station:]

Breathless Caller:
…didn’t move like nothing I’ve never seen. One second hovering all gentle, like an old person’s slightly shaking hand, and the next, there’s this thundering sort of whoosh sound and the saucer’s gone. Almost in a flash. But this sort of orange-yellow light trailing behind it, like a long tail slowly vanishing…

Host Garfunkle Peal:
So if I understand you correctly, sir, not what regular folk would describe as a swarm of bugs, then?

Breathless Caller:
No way, I’ve seen me plenty bugs before, and that weren’t that-

[Static between stations… New station:]

[Music fades out.]

Host Johnny Four Sugars:
LouAnne Holly Fitz bringing her own pitter-patter voice and a bluegrass banjo to Daddy, You Ain’t Gonna Be My Pa No More – originally, of course, a fat slice of money-pie for Project Catfish & The Mongrels. Next up, and don’t you forget it, What, Boy, Did I Come in the Room For? from me to you via the hopping steady beat of Brokeback Mango-

[Static between stations… New station:]

Host Buck Meadows:
…folks. Buck Meadows always gives it to ya straight. I see it, I call it. At the weekends I hunt me down some caribou; the rest the time, I hunt me down some truth – and I serve that truth right up to ya: one plain-spoken, freedom-lovin’ American to another.

[Beat.]

And I’m tellin’ ya, clear as night follows day, things are upside down in God’s own country. Them wooly Dem-O-Crat hoodlums are running buck wild, and the only thing they wanna throw their sissy arms around is infidels and immigrants-

[Static between stations… New station:]

Host Peggy Wattmore:
…still taking calls on today’s Alphabet Challenge: Ah, but can dogs eat fruit-flies? Guinea-fowl, horseradish? Iguanas, jelly? Help us get all the way to ‘Z’ – as always, skipping ‘X’ if… needs… be. Next on the line is Trevor. Hello Trevor – I understand you have a ‘K’ for us?

Trevor:
That’s right, Peggy. In honor of the firefighter rescue earlier, I’d like to suggest kittens

[Static between stations… New station:]

Host Garfunkle Peal:
…to be clear: with you perhaps 100-150 yards away, you stood witness as some kind of flying disc, maybe 20-30 feet across, emitted two separate shafts of redish-purple light into the side of the gas holder, breaching it in two places, before stopping, just as suddenly, and disappearing back into the night sky – silently but faster than anything you’ve ever seen before.

Another Breathless Call:
100% correct, sir, yes.

Host Garfunkle Peal:
Extraordinary. Please stay on the line my friend. And wherever you’re listening, don’t touch that dial – we’ll keep the conversation going right after these messages-

[Static between stations… New station:]

[Music suddenly stops.]

Host Dr. Sax:
That’s how I like it. A whole mess ‘o’ noise, then bam, that’s the end of that.

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About newjonnytransit

Same as ever, only better.
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