Dear Walmart… (The Final Revelation)

For the sake of your straining attention span – and doubly so, mine – I’ll keep this brief…

I finally received a reply from Kraft, in response to a silly question I asked them about Cheese Whiz (a couple of blogs ago, in case you’re still playing catch up). Of course feel free to judge for yourself, but what I’m taking home from this ridiculous exchange is the following – to my mind irrefutable – conclusion:

Kraft, the largest food and beverage corporation in the United States*
IS UNAWARE OF THE EXISTENCE OF CHEESE.

I have to admit, uncovering this fact does rather exceed the original scope of my expectations. But that’s the danger of corporate accountability for you, I guess…

In any case, here’s my original question, sent via online customer service form:

I really love your Cheese Whiz sauce and was wondering if you have any similar products that are solid? Something that you could cut with a knife maybe, or bite into?

Please let me know. I really appreciate your help.

Ernst Lubitsch

And here is Kraft’s reply/extraordinary admission:

Thank You for Contacting Us!

Hi Ernst,

Thank you for your interest in KRAFT CHEEZ WHIZ. I’m glad to hear that you enjoy this product!

The solid form or variety you asked about is not one currently manufactured by our company.

While I can’t guarantee this will be an item we’ll make in the future, our staff is constantly coming up with new food ideas. Keep your eyes on those grocery store shelves for new products, or visit http://www.kraftfoods.com and click on the “what’s new” section of the product information tab.

Again, thanks for contacting us, and I hope you’ll continue to enjoy our products.

Kim McMiller
Associate Director, Consumer Relations

So there you have it, folks, if Kraft ever succeed in churning out some ‘solid’ cheese, they would consider the accomplishment a “new food idea.” And, remember, you heard it here first.

* says Wikipedia

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About newjonnytransit

Same as ever, only better.
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