Dear Walmart… (Answers Back)*

So, after asking corporate America some silly questions (in my last post Dear Walmart…), I’ve received a handful of responses. And these are they…

HIGHLIGHTING DO’S AND DON’T’S

My original email: sent to Susan Wassel, editor of blog.sharpie.com…

Dear Ms. Wassel,

Re. A Question I Can’t Find the Answer To

I’ve recently purchased a set of your highlighter pens (accent “smear guard” range). But I’m having some difficulty figuring out what is and what is not worth highlighting. For instance, last week I highlighted approximately three-fourths of an IRS notice (CP 2000 – Notice of Proposed Adjustment for Underpayment/Overpayment) and upon reading it a second time realized that much of my highlighting was unnecessary. Obviously, it was not possible to ‘un-highlight’ anything.

So, do you have any literature that offers some practical advice on how best to highlight? Perhaps some kind of “Frequently Asked Questions” guide?

Your assistance will be greatly appreciated. (And I look forward to highlighting a printed copy of your reply!)

All the very best,
Samuel Goldwyn

Her reply (#1)…

Mr. Curtis:

What an interesting question you pose.  Below is the email I sent to my colleagues regarding your inquiry:

See below.  I find this somewhat interesting.  I didn’t know there were highlighting do’s and don’ts.  Perhaps a blog post on the proper use of highlighting is in order.

We are going to explore this.  Please visit http://blog.sharpie.com – check back to see if we get this worked out properly.  Others will benefit from your thoughtful email.

Thank you.
Ms. Wassel

Wow, Ms. Wassel really went above and beyond! Notifying colleagues (plural!) AND teasing me with the prospect of an upcoming blog on my “somewhat interesting” inquiry. Even better – something, alas, I can’t reproduce here – she highlighted portions of her email! Such a nice response, I pretty much felt bad for wasting her time. But, wait, the jokes on me: my Yahoo email must have auto-populated the ‘From’ field, hence her addressing me by my real name. Clearly, my reply would have to tread very carefully…

Thank you for your kind and prompt reply.

I hope your colleagues are able to shed some further light on this matter. I, for one, would certainly look forward to reading a blog posting about “Highlighting Do’s and Don’t’s”. In anticipation, I have added http://blog.sharpie.com to my list of “favorite” websites.

I expect to be a regular reader!

& Her Reply (#2)…

Incidentally, this document you reference…must it be read or highlighted at all?  It sounds rather dull ; )

Two replies for the price of one – truly Ms. Wassel leaves no stone unturned! Winking emoticon a nice touch, too. Is she on to me, after all? Must stay in character and avoid signing off with either one of my ‘names…’

Very true! If I had such a filing system, I would indeed file it under “Rather Dull”!

(Typically, though, I file alphabetically.)

& Her Reply (#3)…

I am not surprised, Mr. Goldwyn…er…Curtis.

Damn and blast, my cover is well and truly blown. Choose between inventing a reason for ‘two different names’ confusion, and slinking quietly away. The latter wins – definitely time to leave this poor woman alone. Will assuage lingering guilt by bookmaking Sharpie blog. Who knows, one day she might write ‘Highlighting Do’s and Don’t’s’ after all. Then, and only then, can “others benefit from my thoughtful email.”

WALMART RUBBER STAMPS A ‘NOTHING’ SORT OF RESPONSE

My original question, sent via online customer service form…

Dear Walmart:

I have over $30 worth of K-Mart coupons but don’t live that near to a K-Mart any more after moving. Can I use these coupons in Walmart?

Thanks.
Preston Sturges

Their reply…

Thank you for your message.

Dear Preston,

Thank you for your recent correspondence regarding the acceptance of coupons at Walmart.  Our guidelines generally allow for the following types of coupons to be accepted:

– manufacturer coupons (Cents Off)
– free merchandise (or manufacturer’s Buy-One-Get-One-Free) coupons
– store coupons
– internet coupons
– soft drink container caps

A salaried manager may refuse to accept a coupon if it does not meet certain criteria.

Coupon guidelines and limits include but are not limited to the following:

Walmart only accepts coupons for merchandise we sell and only when presented at the time of purchase.  Coupons should have an expiration date and be presented within the valid dates.  Walmart will not accept expired coupons or double/triple coupons.  Internet coupons should be legible and say “Manufacturer Coupon_ and there should be a valid remit address for the manufacturer and scannable bar code.  Store Coupons must reflect a specific sale price or original price and must be available to all customers.  For ‘Free’ merchandise coupons, customers will not receive cash back — the cashier will adjust the value of the coupon to the actual retail of the item at the time of sale.  In addition, only one coupon per item is permitted and use of 40 or more coupons per transaction will require approval by a Customer Service Manager.

Sincerely,
Walmart Customer Care

For further correspondence regarding this issue, please reply to this email.

Well, that has to be the single dullest thing I’ve ever posted on this site (but please feel free to disagree…). More troubling, though, ‘Walmart Customer Care’ DIDN’T ANSWER MY QUESTION. Nevertheless, interesting to note that “40 or more coupons per transaction will require approval by a Customer Service Manager.” Obviously, we should all go to our local Walmart with 39…

In any case, Preston needs some answers – so will happily accept Walmart’s offer of “further correspondence…”

Thank you for your reply. But you haven’t answered my question. Please answer my question. (Below).

Very kind regards,
Preston

Polite but firm, I think. Still waiting, though…

BARNES & NOBLE HAVE TWO QUESTIONS FOR ME

My original message, sent via online customer service form…

Messrs. Barnes & Noble:

Do you have any book readings coming up in the month of April (New Jersey area)? If so I’d be very keen to participate.

I can read any kind of book you like – although I think my voice is best suited to genre fiction, especially mysteries and thrillers.

Please do let me know.

Kindest regards,
George Cukor

Their reply…

Dear George Cukor,

Thank you for writing to us regarding Barnes and Nobles events.

We are eager to resolve your problem, but require more information.
Please respond to this email with the following:

Which store do you want to know?
What events you want to participate?

We look forward to your next visit.

Sincerely,

Carson
Customer Service Representative
Barnes & Noble

Of course I appreciate the reply. Only – how to say this without sounding mean? – it’s not the best piece of written English you’ll ever read, is it? Maybe Carson was just so perplexed by my inquiry that he forget to proof his reply with customary vigor? Fair play, indeed, he’s contentious enough to ask not one, but TWO follow-up questions! AND he looks forward to my next visit.

George got back to him immediately…

Dear Carson,

Thank you for your reply. In answer to your questions:

1. Any store in the state of New Jersey.
2. Book reading events.

Please also note, I do not have a “problem” but instead a “question.” I hope the clarification is helpful.

Many thanks (again),

George

Nothing doing so far, but surely Carson’s not the kind of man to let me down. Right?!

ORKIN [PEST CONTROL], HOOVER, AND KRAFT ALL GIVE ME THE SILENT TREATMENT

I’m starting to think they don’t even want my custom… We’ll see, my friends, we’ll see.

(* Please note: the newjonnytransit blog can accept no responsibility for any time willfully wasted in the reading of this blog.)

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About newjonnytransit

Same as ever, only better.
This entry was posted in Nonsense & Bullshit and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Dear Walmart… (Answers Back)*

  1. Baggypance says:

    Very funny…
    I thought it best to mention that I think you have jinxed the Red Sox this year after your blogs last week… curse of the jonny transit blog!

  2. alan says:

    like it… this could be the basis for a second blog

    • Thanks! Just the one existential question, though: at what point does wasting other people’s time become too big a waste of mine? Pretty sure I’ve a long ways still to go, but…

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