Dear Walmart…

‘Inspired’ by an outstandingly funny book I once read a few years ago >>> this one:

<<< I thought I’d spread a little pointless mischief of my own this week. All I needed was a handful of nonsense ideas, some top-secret aliases, and the nerve to pull it off… Confidentially, here’s what I came up with.

Does big corporate America have a sense of humor? Does it even know I’m joking? And will they be kind enough to help? Watch this space for answers: if they ever get back to me, I’ll be sure to post their dazzling replies…

(1.) Sent to Walmart headquarters, via online customer service form

Dear Walmart:

I have over $30 worth of K-Mart coupons but don’t live that near to a K-Mart any more after moving. Can I use these coupons in Walmart?

Preston Sturges

Sent to Barnes & Noble, via online customer service form

Messrs. Barnes & Noble:

Do you have any book readings coming up in the month of April (New Jersey area)? If so I’d be very keen to participate.

I can read any kind of book you like – although I think my voice is best suited to genre fiction, especially mysteries and thrillers.

Please do let me know.

Kindest regards,
George Cukor

Sent to Orkin [pest control], via online customer service form

Dear Sirs:

Can you do anything about barn owls, guinea fowl, and/or ferrets?

Best regards,

Clyde Bruckman

Sent to the editor of via email
[Unfortunately, Sharpie’s online customer service form restricts the sender to a miserly 255 characters]

Dear Ms. Wassel,

Re. A Question I Can’t Find the Answer To

I’ve recently purchased a set of your highlighter pens (accent “smear guard” range). But I’m having some difficulty figuring out what is and what is not worth highlighting. For instance, last week I highlighted approximately three-fourths of an IRS notice (CP 2000 – Notice of Proposed Adjustment for Underpayment/Overpayment) and upon reading it a second time realized that much of my highlighting was unnecessary. Obviously, it was not possible to ‘un-highlight’ anything.

So, do you have any literature that offers some practical advice on how best to highlight? Perhaps some kind of “Frequently Asked Questions” guide?

Your assistance will be greatly appreciated. (And I look forward to highlighting a printed copy of your reply!)

All the very best,
Samuel Goldwyn

Sent to Hoover, via online customer service form

To Whom It May Concern:

Is your product reversible? I’d be interested in using it for leaf-blowing and such.

Please advise. Many thanks in anticipation.
Harold Lloyd

Sent to Kraft, via online customer service form

Subject: Cheese Whiz

I really love your Cheese Whiz sauce and was wondering if you have any similar products that are solid? Something that you could cut with a knife maybe, or bite into?

Please let me know. I really appreciate your help.
Ernst Lubitsch

(7. aka ‘the one that got away’)
NOT sent to MTV, on account they “do not accept for review or consideration any ideas, suggestions, or creative materials not solicited by us or our subsidiaries.” Charming.

FAO: The producers of popular MTV show Punk’d:

Have you ever thought about giving celebrities really good news that isn’t true then filming their reaction when you tell them that it isn’t?

Like telling Jimmy Smits that NBC wants to do another season of Outlaw, for example. Or Matt LeBlanc that Steven Spielberg wants to cast him in the lead role of his next film.

What do you think of these suggestions so far?

I look forward to hearing back from you.


Victor Fleming


About newjonnytransit

Same as ever, only better.
This entry was posted in Nonsense & Bullshit and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Dear Walmart…

  1. alan says:

    if mr mangham could see you now…

  2. Rob C says:

    I love the cheese one… so silly and totally mental, awesome.

    I have a few ideas,

    Dear Shell Oil,

    I am a chef that experiments in outlandish cooking, not sure if you have seen Heston Blumenthal, but his work has been one of my inspirations.

    Recently, I opened a new restaurant, and to celebrate I want to create some new signature dishes. All chefs have used Olive Oil, Sunflower Oil etc, but I am looking for a different, distinctive taste. I was wondering which of your oil products would provide that unique flavour?

    Many Thanks

    Pierre Guissen

    Dear Anita Roddick,

    I have heard that you have a wonderful store based in the UK that trades under the name ‘Body Shop’.

    Upon hearing of this business, I immediately thought of a great partnership that, I Dr Savjat Singh, could offer. I am a doctor, based in India, and after performing many, complex surgical procedures, we are frequently faced with leftover human remains.

    It seems to me, that much of this waste could be transformed into a profit. If you have any needs of parts for which there is none currently available, we have overcome these supply issues. So rest assured the demand will be met.

    I look forward to hearing from you

    Dr Savjat Singh

  3. Pingback: Time Out Of Mind | The New Jonny Transit Blog

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