Where’s a four-minute guide to the 2011 New York Yankees when you need one? Well, look, it’s right here. (*Includes the pervasive bias of a blinkered whatever the opposite of a fan is.)
1. Brett Gardner (LF)
Quite fast, quite young, quite good. Would probably be one of the better players at the Kansas City Royals or the Pittsburg Pirates.
2. Derek Jeter (SS)
The kind of person who likes to let his baseball do the talking. But only because he has all the charisma of a shoe-horn. Range at shortstop increasingly diminishing with age – now down to about four a half inches.
3. Mark Teixeira (1B)
Looks a bit like Adolf Hitler, and always crouches over in his batting stance as though trying to pass a particularly stubborn stool. Such a slow starter, is borderline useless for the first two months of season – but is thereafter occasionally capable of making himself a bit of a nuisance. Chose to play in New York on the grounds that his wife wanted to go shopping there.
4. Alex Rodriguez (3B)
Not as good as Albert Pujols.
5. Robinson Cano (2B)
Plays in the same position as Dustin Pedroia, who has won an American League MVP award. Doesn’t make too many mistakes and is often in the team. Hasn’t won an American League MVP award.
6. Nick Swisher (RF)
Moved away from first base because of the Yankee’s acquisition of Teixeira, and only playing right field instead because of a longterm injury to Xavier Nady. Therefore not properly appreciated even by his own team. Appeared in last year’s All Star game only after lobbying ‘fans’ in self-made promotional video. Therefore also a massive tool.
7. Jorge Posada (DH)
Too old to crouch down and catch anymore, so designated hitter by default. Bats without wearing gloves because why? It’s such an effort to put gloves on?! Has a face like one of those Picasso paintings that doesn’t look like the thing it’s supposed to.
8. Curtis Granderson (CF)
Apparently a nice guy – which in Yankee land probably just means he can stand on the top of a high building without spitting over the edge at passers-by underneath. Will show the odd spark of talent, but only after prolonged spells of stark inadequacy first.
9. Russell Martin (C)
‘Fresh’ from batting .248 last year, now a Yankee after signing a one-year deal for four million dollars. An overt waste of money. Canadian.
1. C.C. Sabathia
C.C.: Conspicuously Corpulent. Nice to see a plus-size player making it in the big leagues, albeit, in Sabathia’s case, surely a heart-attack waiting to happen. Okay pitcher – gets through quite a lot of innings.
2. A.J. Burnett
Signed to a $82.5 million five-year contract. Never before in the entire history of human endeavor has so much been spent on so little. (Note: if the contract were for $41.25 million over ten-years the same would still apply.)
3. Phil Hughes
A former Red Sox fan now wearing pinstripes. Conceivably incapable of ever looking himself in the mirror. (But nevertheless still less irritating than Joba Chamberlane, his one-time rival for a starter’s spot, who now throws his wild pitches out of the bullpen.)
4. Ivan Nova
Shoehorned into the starting rotation in place of Javier Vazquez, who was vying with A.J. Burnett for the Yankee’s in-house most ineffective pitcher award. Therefore another underwhelming second-choice – like Nick Swisher, then, only younger.
5. Freddy Garcia
An All Star player as recently as 2002. When the two pitchers above him in the rotation – Hughes and Nova – would both have been 14. The kind of pitcher other pitchers could hit.
The Tiger Woods of baseball: the only interesting thing about him is that he’s good at what he does. Could otherwise bore the backside off an elephant.
Right then, so that’s the Yankees. Safe to say that they won’t be winning anything this year. And I think we can all agree I’ve been scrupulously impartial, after all…
Ho hum, see you again tomorrow.