Verizon Customer Service

Ok, let me be totally frank and up-front with you right from the get-go. This week’s blog is going to be an entirely unpleasant affair (hopefully) – basically a stream-of-consciousness complaint. I have exactly two aims. One: that I can somehow pack enough exaggerated vitriol into this complaint that it ends up more-or-less amusing (for you, lovely reader). And, two: that in the course of making it I’ll wind up just slightly less eager to break things with a mallet. Right then, off we go…

Here’s the essential nub of the matter. Verizon – English readers, think BT or similar – is the dumbest, shittest, most aggravating company I’ve ever encountered. Never before have I even so much as glimpsed the tawdry brand of uselessness that is their worthless, decrepit, malformed and rotten stock-in-trade. They are, on a good day, shoddy, second-rate, and half-arsed. On a bad day, they reach such Himalayan heights of incompetence that you can only really respond to them stupefied and trembling. All the climbing gear in the world couldn’t hope to get you even within screaming distance of their one-of-a-kind lofty crapness.

They are staggeringly inept. This, I firmly believe, is a company that could be nonplussed by a pencil sharpener, outwitted by a malfunctioning random-word generator, and outmaneuvered by a sloth – that’s dead, buried in the ground and set in four feet of concrete. You could ask them for the time and they’d give you a teapot. After first pissing in it, drinking the piss, and then haranguing you for a breath-mint.

Nothing about Verizon is as it should be. They play by a different set of rules, and these new rules they abandon too, in favor of breaking you down through any random means. You call them because one of their products doesn’t work, and they keep you on hold for an age before the line goes dead. You call back, wait even longer, then finally get through to someone who sounds even less enthused by the conversation than you are, and who straight away puts you on hold again. You start to wonder if life is worth living and the longer Verizon makes you wait, while using the time to further promote their wretched wares, the more you think it isn’t. At last you get to explain to someone else the reason why you called – and not letting you finish, they interrupt and say ‘there’s nothing we can do’ before putting you on hold.

You call again and try a different approach. ‘I want out,’ you say, ‘I’m moving to a new apartment in a week and want my [overpriced] TV service cancelled.’ They take another age but eventually agree to cancel it. Only – why, of course! – they don’t. They simply schedule a new TV installation, leaving it to be an unwanted surprise. They send emails that contradict other emails already sent and everything you were told on the phone. They ship something to your current address that you don’t need, and something to your new address that you do. You call again, and wait again, and they say ‘there’s nothing we can do’ but put you on hold again anyway, just for the shear bloody hell of it. (But, of course, I’ve scarcely scratched the surface here.)

They despise you with a hot breathing passion, there’s no other explanation. Or is there? Maybe, after all, the people who run Verizon are simply the most cretinous, imbecilic, sorry sacks of skin who ever managed to stumble into a boardroom? Maybe one of them said, in between dribbling and trying to eat the overhead projector, ‘let’s not bother much with customer service, it’s not worth the effort.’ And it was too close to lunch for anyone to argue…

Or maybe they just think we’re all us stupid as they are, and will put up with this useless shit because their TV adverts paint a different picture.

“We never stop working for you…” Well, really, when did you ever start?!


About newjonnytransit

Same as ever, only better.
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3 Responses to Verizon Customer Service

  1. Rob C says:

    Wow, that’s some terrible, um, what’s the phrase..? ‘Customer Service”.

    I would suggest making a YouTube documentary. This is what you should do, step by step.
    1) Make a big, colourful banner. Along the lines of ‘Verizons’ logo, but with a big red line going diagonally across it. Fix this banner to a wall.
    3) In front of the banner, you need a desk. Upon the desk, place a load of knives and assorted small arms. (Think Kalashnikov’s, M16’s, Beretta 9mm’s)
    4) Write a hateful speech about Verizon. Make sure it finishes with the words “You will all die”
    5) Now, obtain a camcorder, and set it up facing the desk.
    6) Hire a couple of tough looking guys, dress them up in camo fatigues. Hand each a pair of sunglasses, to conceal identities. They will each stand by the desk, one at each side.
    7) Now, you must wear a black shirt, and a balaclava. And take your seat behind the desk
    8) Read speech, often emphasizing key words ‘Hate, death, mutilation, genocide’. Make sure you shout and act aggressive. Punch the desk, wave clenched fists in the air etc.
    9) Conclude speech by smashing a ‘Verizon’ product on camera, and fade to black
    10) Post on YouTube, and send links to clip on Twitter, Facebook etc.

  2. Rob C says:

    it read my section eight as being a smiley face with sunglasses.


  3. …And the reason it’s taken me an absurd amount of time to reply?! Oh, the irony: Verizon’s inability to hook up a new internet connection for our new home, in spite of the considerable advance notice we gave them. (Well, that and me being a bit tardy, too, I must admit…)

    Anyhow, fantastic suggestion and clearly a massive enhancement to this blog. The usual thank you, plus a little extra for your illuminating specificity. (“Think Beretta 9mm” – ! I could be holding one now and still wouldn’t recognize it… Would also be much harder to type.)

    In any case, even though Verizon are, in fact, even more useless than this blog suggests, I fear that enacting your plan might just get me on the wrong side of the Dept. of Homeland Security. Seemingly, they can be a bit touchy about this sort of thing… Bet they don’t use Verizon, though.

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