Ok, let me be totally frank and up-front with you right from the get-go. This week’s blog is going to be an entirely unpleasant affair (hopefully) – basically a stream-of-consciousness complaint. I have exactly two aims. One: that I can somehow pack enough exaggerated vitriol into this complaint that it ends up more-or-less amusing (for you, lovely reader). And, two: that in the course of making it I’ll wind up just slightly less eager to break things with a mallet. Right then, off we go…
Here’s the essential nub of the matter. Verizon – English readers, think BT or similar – is the dumbest, shittest, most aggravating company I’ve ever encountered. Never before have I even so much as glimpsed the tawdry brand of uselessness that is their worthless, decrepit, malformed and rotten stock-in-trade. They are, on a good day, shoddy, second-rate, and half-arsed. On a bad day, they reach such Himalayan heights of incompetence that you can only really respond to them stupefied and trembling. All the climbing gear in the world couldn’t hope to get you even within screaming distance of their one-of-a-kind lofty crapness.
They are staggeringly inept. This, I firmly believe, is a company that could be nonplussed by a pencil sharpener, outwitted by a malfunctioning random-word generator, and outmaneuvered by a sloth – that’s dead, buried in the ground and set in four feet of concrete. You could ask them for the time and they’d give you a teapot. After first pissing in it, drinking the piss, and then haranguing you for a breath-mint.
Nothing about Verizon is as it should be. They play by a different set of rules, and these new rules they abandon too, in favor of breaking you down through any random means. You call them because one of their products doesn’t work, and they keep you on hold for an age before the line goes dead. You call back, wait even longer, then finally get through to someone who sounds even less enthused by the conversation than you are, and who straight away puts you on hold again. You start to wonder if life is worth living and the longer Verizon makes you wait, while using the time to further promote their wretched wares, the more you think it isn’t. At last you get to explain to someone else the reason why you called – and not letting you finish, they interrupt and say ‘there’s nothing we can do’ before putting you on hold.
You call again and try a different approach. ‘I want out,’ you say, ‘I’m moving to a new apartment in a week and want my [overpriced] TV service cancelled.’ They take another age but eventually agree to cancel it. Only – why, of course! – they don’t. They simply schedule a new TV installation, leaving it to be an unwanted surprise. They send emails that contradict other emails already sent and everything you were told on the phone. They ship something to your current address that you don’t need, and something to your new address that you do. You call again, and wait again, and they say ‘there’s nothing we can do’ but put you on hold again anyway, just for the shear bloody hell of it. (But, of course, I’ve scarcely scratched the surface here.)
They despise you with a hot breathing passion, there’s no other explanation. Or is there? Maybe, after all, the people who run Verizon are simply the most cretinous, imbecilic, sorry sacks of skin who ever managed to stumble into a boardroom? Maybe one of them said, in between dribbling and trying to eat the overhead projector, ‘let’s not bother much with customer service, it’s not worth the effort.’ And it was too close to lunch for anyone to argue…
Or maybe they just think we’re all us stupid as they are, and will put up with this useless shit because their TV adverts paint a different picture.
“We never stop working for you…” Well, really, when did you ever start?!