Well, my friends, it’s been a long old slog, but I’ve finally gotten through reading all the WikiLeaks. The usual story: some leaks were more eventful than others, and some plain weren’t worth the leaking. In any event, I thought I’d excerpt some highlights here, many of which, I’m surprised to note, seem to have escaped the mainstream media’s attention. Maybe they just read the first few before realizing William and Kate are a much better bet for selling papers. No such tawdry concerns round about this corner of the interweb… just good, honest news. Without further ado, then, and in no particular order:
* Contrary to contemporary reports, George W. Bush did not choke on a pretzel while watching TV Gridiron. The cover story was instead invented by White House senior staffers fearful that the truth would demoralize Bush’s Republican base.
Bush actually choked on the hard crust of a baked brie – during his and Dick Cheney’s bi-weekly French movie night. He had been momentarily baffled by the narrative complexities of Alan Resnais’ 1961 classic L’année dernière à Marienbad.
* In 2006, News Corporation executives acted swiftly to suppress an internal memo from Rupert Murdoch which they deemed liable to cause ‘significant public displeasure.’ The two-line memo simply read:
Possible to own everything? Assess feasibility. (Ignore all moral and ethical considerations.) — RM
* The Queen and the Pope have long been engaged in a friendly private pen-pal game called (their own name for it), ‘Who’s the Head of the Most Anachronistic Institution This Week?!’ While the exact details of their scoring method remains unclear, it’s understood the Queen heavily outscored her opponent during the last staging of the Commonwealth Games, but that the Pope has since regained the lead by regularly talking about: women, homosexuals, contraception, peodophilia, and, ‘Holy Ghosts.’
* A CIA wiretap on Sarah Palin’s cell phone has revealed that Palin does not intend to run for the Presidency in 2012. “I’m fully, 110% committed to regressing the tone of public debate in America,” she confined to her friend, “but believe, so help me God, that I can reach the bigger audience for doing so through the medium of reality television.”
* Kim Jong-il is the product of an elaborate Harvard fraternity prank. As a freshman economics undergrad, Kim – real name, John J. Kimberly – was involved in a high-stakes game of ‘Ruin a Country Or Walk the Freedom Trail Naked,’ only to balk at the prospect of public nudity. Familial connections facilitated his ascension to ‘Dear Leader’ status, and, over time, Kim has simply elected not to complete his studies (according to one unnamed source, because Cambridge, Mass., winters are ‘too frickin’ cold’).
Other unconfirmed reports suggest that George W. Bush belonged to the same Harvard fraternity as Kim, and was likewise unwilling to publicly disrobe.
* Republican opposition to the Obama Health Care plan seemingly has its roots in a 1983 internal strategy memo, until now circulated with extreme prejudice and classified Code Clearance 1-A Confidential. Titled ‘A Better Fiscal Health,’ the memo is notable for using “the poor” and “units” interchangably and also for the continuous heavy emphasis it places on ‘monetizing sickness.’ Summary paragraph concludes with a flourish: “private insurance model catastrophically inefficient… but unsurpassable at screwing units out of money… Accuse any attempts to improve as socialist/un-American/European… Establish massively unfair status-quo and maintain as though it were a first-born child.”
* Even though it can often seem beyond rational belief, everything ever said or written about Silvio Berlusconi is, in fact, absolutely true. He really is a randy old goat, morally bankrupt and venal. Moreover, as owner of A.C. Milan, Berlusconi remains determined to sign Paul Gascoigne – as he sees it, the ultimate extension of his commitment to experience over youth. (Gascoigne has so far been incapable of comment.)