FAO: Rude People
In spite of your cretinous notions to the contrary, some things really aren’t too much to ask. In particular: social niceties and, yes, though your addled brain may very well burst in the course of processing this: manners. For reasons it’s not necessary for you to grasp, the world is a better place whenever those of us in it refrain from acting like an arse. If you don’t agree, or if you are constitutionally incapable of agreeing, then you’re a scoundrel, good for nothing and an unworthy breather of the air we unfortunately must share. Perhaps you might consider killing yourself – the rest of us won’t mind noting the corporeal loss, and will gladly register the consequent benefit.
Some specifics, if I may. First of all, if someone holds a door open for you, say ‘thank you.’ Concurrent eye-contact with the door holder would be preferable, I might add, but let’s not neglect the basics first. “Thank you.” Those are, you will see, just two short words, one syllable each. I realize there’s a more than decent chance you write it down as only one word, but that’s just because you’re wrong and stupid. By all means, look it up in a dictionary. I’m guessing you’re a rotten-to-the-core narcissist (who else would consider doors being held open for them as a matter of manifest destiny?), so you’ll want to look yourself up, too. In the ‘D’ bit, simply go to “douchebag.”
Next up: speaking on the phone. When you call someone to request a piece of information of some sort (for example: ‘tell me honestly, am I a massive douchebag?’), and if this someone then furnishes you with this information, don’t end the call by abruptly hanging up. Instead, use some combination of the following phrases: “thank you,” “I appreciate your help,” “goodbye.” In doing so, you’ll successfully demonstrate gratitude – again, the kind of thing wont to leave the world a trace better than you found it. Not expressing gratitude, when it requires so very little of you to express it, only serves to mark you as a sub-human wretch – the sort of malcontent, perhaps, only capable of ingesting food via the intervention of a straw. In any event, at least consider the possibility that the rest of humankind isn’t surgically attached to a phone on the off-chance you might call. That, I hope we can all agree, would be an overestimation of your relative significance.
Thirdly, and lastly (I mustn’t overfill your brain/the cavernous void between your ears): don’t ever, under any set of circumstances, spit where other people walk. Though it may conceivably be for you, your gut-lining mucus is not, for the rest of us, a source of any fascination. It’s merely and solely disgusting: unfortunate outward proof that you’ve just about managed to master the mechanics of breathing and walking. Swallow. If nothing else, it will be good practice for when you one day choke on the devil’s… sulphurous emissions. Sure, there’s almost certainly no such thing as hell – but, well, here’s to hoping…
Thank you and goodbye; I appreciate your attention.