ASK JESUS: A VERY LITURGICAL MAILBAG

WELCOME one and all to Ask Jesus: A Very Liturgical Mailbag - very possibly the internet’s only place where you can ask Christ a whole Holy mass of questions, with He Himself standing by to answer!

Big or small, serious or silly, Godly or profane, you ask ‘em and He’ll happily reply. Just use the comment section below… or, indeed, the medium of prayer.

But first, my friends, please join me in saying a hearty hello to my most special guest: redeemer of Man, son of God, founder of Christianity, and fine public speaker – Jesus, our Lord and Saviour, Christ. It really is a great, humbling pleasure to play host to Him in this little corner of the web.

And so, without further ado: Jesus, it’s over to You.

JC: Hi guys! Thanks for visiting my Very Liturgical Mailbag - if you’ve ever wanted to ask me a question, here’s where you can! I can’t wait to hear from you, and, of course, hope that life is treating you well…

*A Very Christmas Mailbag*

JC: Hello again! Welcome to this festive edition of my Very Liturgical Mailbag (something I’ve decided to call A Very Christmas Mailbag!). Let’s just dive right in, shall we – and see what treats postman Santa bought me in his giant sack of mail…

What’s the best Christmas song? (John Motson, Salford)

JC: Well, let’s just say you can take this as ‘gospel’ – it is, and always will be, Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues.

But, while we’re on the subject, clearly every home should also make a little room for Phil Spector’s Christmas album, too. (Yeah, I know he went mad and shot someone… but, hey, forgive and forget, right?)

There’s a lot of party-poopers around at this time of year, aren’t there, who don’t ‘do’ Christmas. You know, Muslims, Buddhists, Sheiks, Jews, Hindus, Shintos, atheists, etc… They all think we’re wrong to believe in you, and, obviously, we think they’re all wrong for thinking that. Silly question, maybe, but who’s right? (Clive Tyldesley, Bury)

JC: You’re right! Christians are right! Definitely. What can I say? Believe all the hype. I really am the child of a virgin. I really am the divine son of God. I really did cure people of leprosy, walk on water, and perform other miracles. And – hallelujah, Clive! – I really did come back to life after dying.

I mean, really, why’s all of that so hard for some folks to believe/ACCEPT COMPLETELY AND UNEQUIVOCALLY at face value? Beats me (crucification pun not intended).

Did you used to call Joseph “dad?” How was that for you both? (Jonathan Pearce, Plymouth)

JC: Gee, that’s a great question – but, truth be told, I’m not quite sure how ready I am to answer that. It was hard for him sometimes not to be Him, if you know what I mean… I will say this, though, only one of my dads ever took me fishing at the weekends – and that’s not nothing… I don’t know, I’m still working through a few ‘issues,’ to be honest with you, and this really is a big one for me.

Can today’s Church exert any real moral authority on the tricky subject of teenage pregnancy given that You Yourself  were the offspring of such a young mother (some say as young as 12, right)? (Peter Brackley, Brighton)

JC: Wow, tough mailbag today… but sure, yeah, why not. After all, you have to remember that times were very different back then. For example, women were not always seen as equals. And people from different backgrounds didn’t always get along. Heck, back when I was a boy, sometimes even religion itself was the source of conflict! Hard to imagine now, I know, but true. So like I said, why not?

Which of the following words makes you feel the most ‘Christmassy?’ Carol. Pudding. Humbug. Manger. Santa. Chestnut. Bauble. Tinsel. Sales. Wenceslas. Frankfurter. (Simon Brotherton, Birmingham)

JC: Hmmm. Well it definitely isn’t ‘frankfurter,’ you fucking weirdo! So I’ll go for ‘bauble,’ with ‘pudding’ a close second. Or maybe ‘chestnut…’ Or ‘santa.’ I don’t know: shit question methinks.

Who was the smartest of the three wise men? (Jon Champion, Harrogate)

JC: Hard to say. I was still very young when they paid me their special visit.

…Then again, years later I did hear on the grapevine that Melchior, the Babylonian ‘scholar,’ was actually as thick as two short planks. Apparently, it was only ever supposed to be two wise men – but then someone, ‘behind the scenes,’ decided that would sound “a bit gay.” Who knows? Sometimes I buy it, sometimes I don’t… Think about, though, it really was a much more conservative time back then, so maybe it’s not so far-feached after all. (These days, of course, the Church wouldn’t even dream of discriminating against homosexuality.)

What’s the best Christmas movie? (Peter Drury, Hertfordshire)

JC: It’s a Wonderful Life and Home Alone. I couldn’t separate those two with a fag paper… and I’m Jesus. That’s how great those movies are.

Did you hear that the Times Online have cancelled The Bugle, their weekly satirical podcast. The news hasn’t exactly filled me with Christmas cheer. Any chance you could resurrect it? Or, you know, get your dad to. (Gary Taphouse, Surrey)

JC: I’m gonna have to say ‘no’ to that, I’m afraid. Point of principal: co-host Andy Zaltzman is a Jew… When he’s ready to let me into his life, then maybe we can talk.

Why does Rudolph always get all the credit? (Martin Tyler, Chester)

JC: Because isn’t that just the age we live in, cult of celebrity and all.

Should the English Premier League consider having a break over the Christmas period, as many other European Leagues successfully do? (Sandi Toksvig, Copenhagen)

JC: Absolutely not. The frenetic scramble for goals and points over the festive season is a tremendous advert for the English game – and one of many reasons why the EPL is such a thrilling thing to follow. Especially, of course, whenever my favourite team Arsenal are playing.

JC: And that, my friends, concludes A Very Christmas Mailbag. From here on down, it’s back to where we were before. Back to Ask Jesus: A Very Liturgical Mailbag. It’s older mail, and it’s not sprinkled with special Christmas snow. But, otherwise, it’s really pretty similar…

Does the ‘Holy Ghost’ part of you ever accidentally scare you? Like when you’re watching a horror film, say, or are sitting alone in the dark. (Michael Aspel, Battersey)

JC: Always! Especially when I’m feeling mischievous and I sneak up on myself when I’m least expecting it. Crazy; you’d think I’d know what’s coming, wouldn’t you?

People often think that proselytizing is rudely presumptuous and annoying -what do you think? (Henry Kelly, Brussels)

JC: I think they’re right.

With email, instant messaging, and recent advances in cellular phone technology, is prayer an outdated form of communication? (Judith Chalmers, Stockport)

JC: To be honest, I tend to think so, yes. But my dad can be quite old-school in this respect – and ultimately it’s his call (no pun intended!).

What do you think of homosexuality? (M. Barrymore, Bermondsey)

JC: I love gay people, I really do… Albeit, I must admit, not so much the really hairy ones.

Did you enjoy your visit to earth? Or did the Romans pretty much spoil the whole thing for you? (Richard Whitely, Bradford)

JC: It’s funny – I’ve toured loads and loads of planets in the universe over the years… and Earth is the only one that ended up crucifying me. Then again, I definitely met a good amount of menschs, too – so I guess it all evens out, you know?

People often portray you as having a pretty ‘ordinary’ sense of humour. Are they right? (Barry Humphries, Melbourne)

JC: I’m glad you ask. Like you say, that’s something I sure do hear a lot. But I reckon I’ve got a pretty good sense of humour, and it’s just that a lot of my fans don’t.

That said, thanks to my inherited omniscience, I do have the unusual problem of always seeing the punchline coming… so there’s not much point ever telling me a joke!

Who do you prefer: Queen or The Smiths? (Sandi Toksvig, Copenhagen)

JC: The Smiths, no question. Same goes for my dad, I think – we’re usually pretty in tune with this sort of thing.

What would you say to a Roman Catholic torn between modern society’s more permissive attitude to sex and the Church’s no sex before marriage/no contraceptives stance? (Bob Holness, Natal)

JC: I’d probably say, ‘Go for it!’ You only live once, you know… And, also, if in doubt always rubber up.

Who do you consider to be your main rivals? (Hazel Irvine, St Andrews)

JC: More and more, I suppose, it would have to be Mohammad these days… But personally I’ve always been a big admirer of Siddharta Guatama and his work. And Ronnie O’Sullivan.

Can even you forgive John Lackey for his 2011 Red Sox ‘performances?’ (Anne Robinson, Crosby)

JC: No.

Do you ever think that the glorification of convenience, vacuous consumption, greed, narcissism, rampant militarism, and the increasing supremacy of the mundane over the sublime, make mankind unworthy benefactors of the universe’s boundless resources, and ungrateful heirs to the miracle of creation? (Bob Monkhouse, Beckenham)

JC: Yes.